Solitude Underneath the Waves

I had a dream. I didn’t fit in with the other girls. There were brown bookshelves and wooden walls. We were sitting on the floor, Indian style in a dark hall. Giggles. Not coming from me. Just smiles.

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I walked away to be alone. The exit lead to a beach. Pristine. Silent. Calm. Clear blue waves brushing up against the sand. I wanted to be near the water, to feel it. Something about nature just felt like it understood me and that was amplified times ten in my dream. There was also a sense that this was my world and my space. No one else was there but me.

I walked out of the door across the shallow water to a nearby post. Sat on top of it and let my feet hit the water. I felt lonely but not alone. There was comfort in being by myself rather than with the others. It started getting dark so I decided to head back in. I walked back across the shallow water now knee high, took another anxious step, and slipped into a deep pool of waves. Feet above my head. I swam to the top only to find the current hard to swim against. I could see the door; I was only a few steps away. I wanted to get back so badly so dove under water but found myself getting nowhere against the current. I was so close. I woke up.

This dream reminds me of a video game I played as a child, Tomb Raider. I was obsessed with climbing and swimming against currents. Crazy how a certain emotion or feeling in a dream cannot feel the same in real life. It’s almost as if our unconscious selves can only feel the best of the best without us being awake. I want to go back. I want to escape the waves. I want to sit back in the hallway with girls. I want to be safe.