Together but Alone

Ever feel like you’re driving on cruise..but in life? It’s not a full fog, like depression but more of a go with the flow kind of numbing. Losing purpose, growing in or out of hobbies. Well, this is who I am.  

I have accepted it and no longer try to fight it. I just know what needs to be done even if I decide to just not do it.

I am still learning and growing. Something I didn’t think was this continuous. Learning that I am not the same person as before and am always changing. What I bloomed into after depression I am now even more different than. But I am still me and I am happy with me. I am still the same beautiful soul, just different.

I don’t enjoy the same things as before but know myself better. What I can and will not tolerate. What I allow in my realm. What is in my control (still working on) and what is not. What I need to leave to God and what I still need to work on to keep myself happy and going.

I haven’t been extremely anxious in a while and I am VERY thankful for that.

I have been given exactly what I prayed for. God is good. I used to cry for these things and hated when people would tell me in God’s time. I felt that I was a good person so why did I have to wait in the unknown? Little did I know that focusing on myself and self-love is what would help me get to where I needed to be. And help me get through more of the hard times I was going to face.

Kicking negative thoughts out of my head the moment they entered and focusing on the list of things written down that would help me get through a funk. THIS is what helped me.

But now, back to living on cruise. This is a different phase. It’s not a painful trauma but just…life. While being happy. Almost feels bad, like I’m ungrateful. But I’m only human. So, what do I do now? I go back to what I know and have learned. My “reset” and refresh.

Yoga and meditation. This is for me. I am not a professional yoga instructor and really don’t even use any real moves. I do what my body tells me to. And when I am in in the right position, begin to talk to myself and sometimes even cry. Because, it is the real me. I can actually hear, me.

I can tell myself I am beautiful, strong, and deserving of all good things and actually believe it because it is true. This is different than saying it in the mirror and trying to believe it because this time is real (if that makes any sense). This time is the real YOU telling YOU what you need to realize. And in this moment, you understand and can actually see it.

Anyway, this is what I need to feel better and reset. Going without THIS for too long fucks me all up. I hope this helps and reaches anyone in the universe who needs it and finds it in some way useful 😊

-Thoughts after yoga